Venting on Dating (rant)

Preface: Well I think it is funny and no I'm not really this mean I was just getting it out of my system before I got mean.
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So I got lectured pretty intensely [thrice] yesterday. Apparently I am never going to get married if I don't follow the rules some Idiot decided I had to follow when it came to having a relationship. I have to sacrifice what I want in a woman, and I have to be the average butt head out there that is to say I have to play "the game!"

Why is it that when people give you the 'You need to get married' lecture then never once suggest someone you should date. I've never understood this "Lets address scientifically son, You aren't married, you are 27... people are going to start to wonder!" Well 'father figure' thanks for the undue attention, I'm sure people are going to wonder, just like they did before the light bulb... Gee how am I gonna light my house to see to mind my own business? If I only had a switch on my candle, that would be perfect! So since we are looking at this scientifically, you forgot one major step... proposing a solution! Oh and "Just get out there and date!" isn't a solution, it is the testing of a proposed solution. You know that part where your beaker heating over the Bunsen burner explodes sending glass shrapnel into your eye and scalding you severely. Yes I know about your Jr year chemistry class, don't interrupt! (Edit: I think that is the best comparison to dating EVER... maybe it is just me?)

The 'just marry anybody' mentality doesn't work for me. Have you seen the freaks special spirits out there? Not to mention I've dated some girls who couldn't even microwave popcorn let alone cook a dinner. Maybe I don't have faith enough to believe that someone who can't cook, doesn't know how to budget, who has more shoes then I've got rounds of Ammo (like a good Mormon I've got my 2 year supply :P ), and hasn't ever had a hard choice in her life because daddy has taken care of it all for her, could ever survive in my world. It isn’t cute when you feel like you need to put your date over your knee and spank her because in 24 years nobody has ever told her no.

Since you take what you can get lets describe my problems with the recent girl [completely fictional]… I decided I'd map out the relationship, with a little cowboy humor; since it was the cowboy charm, boots and buckle that made the drama Queen fall for the hillbilly in the first place. That and I parked my pickup truck over the top of her Audi TT! If she doesn't give you the time of day, you can bet you'll get her phone number with the insurance information! What she took my parking place!

Differing Childhoods:
When I turn sixteen I was given a matchbox car and informed when it turn over 100,000 miles I'd get a new one, I assume they'd give me the option 'Hot wheels' or 'Matchbox'. At an average speed of 4mph or 10mph jogging, the Dodge Charger didn't have to go in for to many services. However at 10-22mph on my BMX I was able to rack up enough miles to buy MY OWN car at 18. Don't even ask about my own private jet... that one resulted in a hospital stay, BMX bikes aren't known for 12 hour flights, and wings on jumbo jets can puncture lungs…
Whats my point? Every heard of a car payment? Making bills? Credit Card Payment? Pay your own... Daddy changed your diapers till you were what? 2? It is time to be a big girl now and pay your own bills. Okay your nanny, that daddy hired, change your diapers... BTW with me, changing diapers is a parents responsibility, yep; and the Audi TT transforms into a lovely Ford Bronco, I realize driving American is going to be a major trail of our relationship... you'll get over it, or I'll get over you; in the spirit of compromise sell a couple pair of shoes, that should cover the cost of the Twin T's!

Differing educations
I'm not looking for a puppy! I don't have a Dog because of the fact that I don't want anything to be subservient to me; Yeah, yeah renters agreement too, stop interrupting! The idea that something is completely dependent on me makes me sick! I'm not looking to be in control of a relationship, I am looking for someone who can make an informed decision, and has the courage and fortitude of character to look me in the face and tell me WHY I need more shoes then bullets! Or at least why spending money on bullets takes away from Goals A-D, but can help with E... so if we spend 50% less on E and D we can still put the K though C... making just enough money for S. Which I followed and understood the K (kids) through C (college), but stopped suddenly at S... she already has 50,000 pairs of S (shoes). It was a good try, but B (bullets) make for better neighbors! ;) She gave it a try, but the extend of her alphabetic knowledge was ‘ABC’ and when she ‘phoned a friend’ she got ‘XYZ,’ which isn't nearly as amusing as it sounds.

While we are on the subject of Puppies... if it fits in a purse, it isn't a dog; it is a dogs dinner! Cute? It looks like a rat had its way with a poodle! When you have a dog you shouldn't have to worry about it blowing away when it sticks its head out the window. When your 2 pound rat dog bounces out of the bed of my pickup, I aint going back to get it, yes that means it ain’t riding up front with me… a Cowboy with a noise making rat will causes the good ol’boys to question my orientation. I’ll buy you a real dog, and I promise I won’t laugh at you, like when you tried to use my lawn mower, when you take it for a walk… I know I should have helped, but you were just so cute being dragged through the neighbors rose bushes because you where afraid to let go for fear it would turn around and eat you. I know I should have warned you it moved by itself, but the neighbor laughed so hard he decided to end the feud we'd been having since my daddy stole his women... in 2nd grade.

Now Bringing up an event that happened 2 months ago isn't fair... mostly because I didn't know you then. I realize the blond hair, in combination with the buzz from the hairspray makes it difficult to remember. Here is a hint; I can spell my name without looking at my driver’s license. Right, now the other idiot you dated before me; I realize you had alot in common. Your waist size, his IQ... We are just going to have to appreciate our differences… No I’m sure we have some things in common… My waist size, your IQ! Gee I know Brilliant *rolls eyes* Yeah I’m a Sweet Heart… My Mortgage, your necklace... Double wide trailer, Double Wide Garage… Pickup Truck, Pick Up lines…

No, I don't need you! I've spent 17 years in near complete solitude, I've enjoy it. I do not need you: I am an accomplished cook, I do my own laundry, I clean my own house, I have never once burned a shirt with an Iron, and I fix my car, do my shopping... that doesn't mean trying on 12 different colors of shoes, that means Wal-Mart memorized and a 15 minute dash... Yes I realize that Wal-Mart is going to be another struggle with your pride, but believe me 1.5 million Americans every day can't be wrong. Oh and just because I can iron, and cook doesn't mean I'm part of the hired help, or that I’ll wear a starched up tux to a dinner facade, if they don’t come in a boot cut they don’t belong on my butt. My Idea of a dinner party involves a Pot Luck dinner, with funeral ‘taters, Sweet Corn and BBQ chicken… anything else just ain’t Christian!

I am a truck driver I am gone allot, I didn’t hide that somehow it didn't click that being a truck driver meant being gone ALL THE TIME, maybe you were distracted by the sparkles off my belt buckle? Nope I am not a lawyer, but I’ve been to Hollywood and the buckle is 100% pewter not silver. *Here comes the tantrum* and stop calling me your 'snugly bunny poo!' Seriously tears over a belt buckle? Yes I realize I aint rich! What you need is a teddy bear and to suck your thumb on the couch, when your brain turns 18, call me!

I warned you about the ‘bunny poo’ thing so tonight we’re doing Hobo dinners and camping? Yep, we are actually going to go out away from the city. Peace, quiet, no pollution. We can hook a hose up to my pickups tail pipe and dump it into your tent if it will make you feel better. I’ll even honk the horn for you once or twice, it’ll keep the porcupines away. No they don’t eat people… Look that’s a rabbit… No they don’t eat people… I understand you want one… keep your rat dog way, well I’ve never seen that before… no I’m pretty sure it isn’t going to let Pinky go… well if you didn’t put watermelon cucumber lotion on the dumb beast I’m pretty sure the rabbit wouldn’t have tired to eat him... Yes, that’s bunny poo, *smacks head* Don’t eat it! It isn’t where raisins come from… I swear you are like a 3 year old... Yes, that is a horse! No, they don’t eat people! Yes we are going to ride them, don’t worry I promise it is smart enough to keep you out of trouble… can’t say the same for the rider! No, Don’t worry I said nothing… that you’d understand! . . . I give up! Let’s go to Gator and get some burgers… No we aren’t eating alligators, it’s a sports bar… No there isn’t football players… just don’t speak okay. I don’t think this relationship is going to work out, I’ll buy you dinner and take you home… You can hook up with someone else, just don’t take my parking spot again!

At Gators:
What do you mean He wants to fight with me? You picked the fight, you fight the fight! I ain’t defending your honor when you’re the idiot who had to get into it with the only person in the entire place with an IQ lower then you; I realize that you think it is cute to have someone fight for your honor, but I’ll tell you what, if the 2 of you together can figure out how to spell honor I’ll fight him. No it starts with an H… just Trust me on the H! Sometimes you make it really hard to remember why I dated you… well besides the constant entertainment when you try to figure out how the chickens laid the eggs in the closed egg carton. No, the H is silent...

What do you mean "isn’t that my girl friend with that idiot?" Nope ain’t my girlfriend, that was just the girl I came with, my girlfriend would have her name on the back of her belt, and be smart enough to realize her new ride home doesn’t have a car. Second longest relationship ever? yep just over 12 hours! In my defense… She ask me out! She took my parking spot... yep, Audi again! I know, but I couldn't punish an American car... Good point a Charger isn't American anymore... only a communist would put 4 doors on a sports car!